The Chicken Incident

My pal Dave from Space Station 11 has been commenting on almost all of my posts, and he suggested I retell this old gem from my days as a "professional" actor in Chicago. It's a tale of excitement and adventure in the buzzing metropolis of Arlington Heights, Illinois.

This is what I looked like at the time:


That's me on the left, the rotund hairy man with a hungry glint in his eye. I was cast as Baloo the Bear in a production of the Jungle Book with a children's theater company in Chicago, and we were touring the suburbs which is how we came to Arlington Heights. We commuted there every day for a week for performances of our kick ass show.

I should mention that I have never worked with a cast that was so much fun. Everybody really came together as a group and we had all sorts of wacky funtimes. We also did the same show for about seven months, so needless to say we were getting tired, but the money was all right so we didn't complain about it. Unfortunately the suburbs weren't quite ready for the crazy antics of big city "actors". Many times we were reprimanded by the theater staff for inappropriate conversations via the intercom*, as well as cursing loudly in the dressing room while children were at day camp in the next room. Whoops!

Sometimes we would have two performances in the same day. We would perform once at 10am, break for lunch, then perform again at 1pm. I was very hungry one day and decided to opt for the Medieval Feast, IE a whole rotisserie chicken, a baguette and a bunch of cherry tomatoes. I destroyed it. The entire thing. Literally two seconds after eating it, it was time to perform my awesome dancy children's funtime again!

So there I am, sitting onstage and sweating chicken grease and I haven't even started my opening monologue yet. Another actress in the show described it in this manner:

"So there's Ted, standing on stage breathing heavily while we're trying to get through this dance number. At one point I looked over at him and he was just GLISTENING from head to toe. His shirt was spread wide open and his hairy chest was pushed out like he was making an offering of his life to God himself. It was a religious experience."

Okay so I made that up. What really happened was:

"Ted tried to give me a hug in the middle of the show and he smelled like farts and chicken."

During the climactic final battle between Mowgli and Shere Khan, Baloo decided that it was too much excitement and hunkered down in the middle of the tense scene. It was a good time.

*Intercom Conversation:
Stage Manager (via intercom): Ten minutes to places cast, ten minutes.
Me: There has to be a way to talk back on this thing. (Into intercom) Thank you ten minutes.
Stage Manager: ...God? Is that you?
Me: Yes. Stop touching yourself.
Stage Manager: But it FEELS SO GOOD!
Random Ticket Taker: We have patrons (IE children) here at the box office and we can hear your entire conversation.
Stage Manager & Me: ........