OBLIVION

I've just borrowed a game from my friend Richard. It's consumed my life. The game is Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. In this game, you can literally go whatever way you choose. The world is huge, you get swords, you can be good OR evil, you get swords, you can steal people's stuff and sell it on the black market, you can ride a horse through a peaceful field of lilacs, you get swords, and you GET SWORDS! Oh man, this game is so baller.

This game also makes me feel like a huge nerd, and isn't meant to be played when your roommate has company over and you're lounging around in your Zubas and Batman t-shirt.

Unacceptable.

Anyway, so I'm playing this game last night, I'm riding my horse through a peaceful valley on my way to find the lost prince of Tamriel so I can get him to prevent the gates of Oblivion opening and unleashing firey death upon the citizens, when suddenly I notice a change in the mood. The sky has become red, and I come into contact with this person:

This guy, Savlian Matius, tells me that I need to go into this portal to Hell and rescue his men, then find a way to seal the portal. Ok, fine Savlian, I understand you have to protect the citizens, no problem.


Bronn: I see your noble township hath been besieged by DEMONS! How may I be of assistance?
Savlian: You must go into the portal by yourself and rescue my men, then close the portal from the other side!
Bronn: It shall be done! All I have this this dagger I use to cut my vittles into smaller pieces to facilitate the chewing process! Is this sufficient for such a noble quest?
Savlian: YES! And we couldn't possibly spare any armor, even half my men are dead and I'm sure I could give you some more adequate protection, but really I'm just a program in this massive world of ours so I am not capable of thinking about things like that.
Bronn: ONWARD!


(Bronn dies 14 times on the first demon he encounters.)


Savlian, you clearly have a lot to learn about effective managment skills. You might have told me that I shouldn't go raising hell in Hell dressed like this and equipped with only a dagger:

Yes, my character is a bard. A playful musician who prefers to use his words first, and his sword second. (To paraphrase the class description from the game) Sound pretty catchy right? Only one problem. The demons who reside in Hell aren't really interested in any magic tricks or ballads I may have up my sleeve. They're more interested in eviscerating my character and drinking his blood.


This is the place I am going, BY MYSELF, dressed in fine linens with nothing but my iron dagger and my trusty lute to vanquish some demons.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go play Free Bird for a Stunted Scamp on the Plane of Oblivion.